Ambien and weirdness

Most people talk of cooking, or cleaning, or ( I hope not me ) drive while on Ambien. I have been suffering horrible nightmares of my past marriage which was to say the least scary, Last night while under ambien I began cutting myself on my arm, my Ex was trying to harm one of my kids and to make him stop I cut myself. The pain woke me up, I thankful had not cut deep enough for stitches. But it is STILL scary enough to me that don't want to be on something where I can't control my actions. I want to get better not get worse.! I miss my family,I miss my friends! 

Meet and change

So today, I wanted to make some changes and meet so people.  So I did do just that.  Several. Today and yesterday. It feels good.I met up several friends that I  thought had stopped talking to me because of a certain person. And I have made new friends and it feels nice. :)  to know I am not alone and I can to turn to people who actually care. I still have my panic attacks and anxiety attacks. And my depression. I will have to deal with these things rest of life I can't just shut them off...god if only!! But it certainly feels nice to be able to at least talk to some people and get back a little normalcy.

Tears in Coffee

Well..., panic disorders, anxiety attacks, and depression are really slamming me hard. I take my klonopin pill ( which I think needs changed) I take my cymbalta, and my topamax...I cant do anything without thinking everyone is judging me... Start with when ever I do manage to leave to house. I try to remember all my control techniques, But alot of the time they dont work and i start crying and shaking feels like my chest is being pushed in. My safety area is my home and my porch. My sit, I sit drink coffee, smoke a cigarette, maybe, I toss a ball to my dog.....Oh yyeah that too... I SHOULD be able to take dog with me into any store, because she keeps me calm. She IS my emotional support dog. I got kicked out Dollar Tree store in lower Burrell because she was reacting to a dog outside of the store. IT IS SUCH BULL! It really upset me so badly I haven't able to go into any stores by myself now unless someone is with me. Is bad. The fear is starting to grow to to we're people are judging me on the phone now...I'm starting to wish so badly I had someone who could make calls for me and do shopping me. I just have no desire to see people are be around them. All they do is judge me anyway.

Invisible

I'm feeling this these days... Very much :/ its like I'm looking out a tunnel its dark and all I see is darkness. I look behind me and its even darker but its comforting and quiet, so I feel pulled to it. I lay in bed days at a time crying longing for someone to see past my shadows... Someone strong enough. Or who even wants too. All I am is a shadow... Something invisible.

Days of worry

I worry, alot... Anyone who knows me knows this. It mostly out of love. Cause me constant stress. But still I worry. 😐
Tuesday was no less a stressful day... Emmy came down to help wtih some errands, seeing how I still do not have my license yet.anyways. she says she's leaking fluid ÀLL the time. I made y
Her call her doc.they of course want to see her now. So off we go.. Change of plans into baby gear mode which OF COURSE is PERFECTLY fine!! I would certainly would rather be happy safer knowing my little bugga boo is safe. And my daughter is safe. Mike got home to take me to my Neuro appt.the next day. Which was nice, I really like having him there. I don't think he realizes it though... Doc put me on more med. Lamactial it for Bipolar med patients. Looks like the diagnosis is changing. I maybe looking at more hospital time myself. To get this shit shrtraighted out. It seems everything's fuckied up and I can't fix damn thing anymore.because I'm stupid. My ; live is just that a ; its not moving good. I need it to move good. I don't remember how.