Loss and Life

Well sadness is once again moving into our lives. Emily our daughter has lost her baby. We were really hoping  little Matthew had a chance. But it was not to be. This Sunday we are having a service to remember him.

My life on others conditions...

So after being told to f%$#off! By a person I thought was a friend for a long time...turns out...I was of course Wrong! I got blocked from lives that I once was very close with...All because my conditions didn't fit the norm. Well with that being said. I'm not normal, I have severe manic depression, panic attacks, bipolar disorder. I can't just shut "it" off and act normal. Certain things in my live have changed because of my conditions. And unfortunately somethings or some adjustments had to be made. I can't stop them from happening no more than I could make people understand what is happening to me. I wasn't Doing anything on purpose, you can't get Depression on purpose.

Hopeless feeling

So I am really to get worried about Mike and I....feels like a rut again. Or worse :( which I hope not. He has this West Virginia run, he is just all to eager to do now. He is starting to leave earlier than he used to before. I really hope it isn't what I think it is. I know I should talk to him, that's what we agreed to, but it seems more and more I do that he gets mad about it....I don't know what to do. I'm very depressed. I have started cutting to take the pain way. I know it dangerous thing to do. Except I hear myself saying "do it", " just enough to see blood"....I hate feeling....I Hate have all of these emotions at once, some are so confusing, I can't sort through them. And other days everything makes perfect sense...I have decided not to cut anymore on my arm, its to hard to explain away... Cats etc.... I wish I could find a place where I could hide from everything.

Ambien and weirdness

Most people talk of cooking, or cleaning, or ( I hope not me ) drive while on Ambien. I have been suffering horrible nightmares of my past marriage which was to say the least scary, Last night while under ambien I began cutting myself on my arm, my Ex was trying to harm one of my kids and to make him stop I cut myself. The pain woke me up, I thankful had not cut deep enough for stitches. But it is STILL scary enough to me that don't want to be on something where I can't control my actions. I want to get better not get worse.! I miss my family,I miss my friends! 

Meet and change

So today, I wanted to make some changes and meet so people.  So I did do just that.  Several. Today and yesterday. It feels good.I met up several friends that I  thought had stopped talking to me because of a certain person. And I have made new friends and it feels nice. :)  to know I am not alone and I can to turn to people who actually care. I still have my panic attacks and anxiety attacks. And my depression. I will have to deal with these things rest of life I can't just shut them off...god if only!! But it certainly feels nice to be able to at least talk to some people and get back a little normalcy.

Tears in Coffee

Well..., panic disorders, anxiety attacks, and depression are really slamming me hard. I take my klonopin pill ( which I think needs changed) I take my cymbalta, and my topamax...I cant do anything without thinking everyone is judging me... Start with when ever I do manage to leave to house. I try to remember all my control techniques, But alot of the time they dont work and i start crying and shaking feels like my chest is being pushed in. My safety area is my home and my porch. My sit, I sit drink coffee, smoke a cigarette, maybe, I toss a ball to my dog.....Oh yyeah that too... I SHOULD be able to take dog with me into any store, because she keeps me calm. She IS my emotional support dog. I got kicked out Dollar Tree store in lower Burrell because she was reacting to a dog outside of the store. IT IS SUCH BULL! It really upset me so badly I haven't able to go into any stores by myself now unless someone is with me. Is bad. The fear is starting to grow to to we're people are judging me on the phone now...I'm starting to wish so badly I had someone who could make calls for me and do shopping me. I just have no desire to see people are be around them. All they do is judge me anyway.

Invisible

I'm feeling this these days... Very much :/ its like I'm looking out a tunnel its dark and all I see is darkness. I look behind me and its even darker but its comforting and quiet, so I feel pulled to it. I lay in bed days at a time crying longing for someone to see past my shadows... Someone strong enough. Or who even wants too. All I am is a shadow... Something invisible.

Days of worry

I worry, alot... Anyone who knows me knows this. It mostly out of love. Cause me constant stress. But still I worry. 😐
Tuesday was no less a stressful day... Emmy came down to help wtih some errands, seeing how I still do not have my license yet.anyways. she says she's leaking fluid ÀLL the time. I made y
Her call her doc.they of course want to see her now. So off we go.. Change of plans into baby gear mode which OF COURSE is PERFECTLY fine!! I would certainly would rather be happy safer knowing my little bugga boo is safe. And my daughter is safe. Mike got home to take me to my Neuro appt.the next day. Which was nice, I really like having him there. I don't think he realizes it though... Doc put me on more med. Lamactial it for Bipolar med patients. Looks like the diagnosis is changing. I maybe looking at more hospital time myself. To get this shit shrtraighted out. It seems everything's fuckied up and I can't fix damn thing anymore.because I'm stupid. My ; live is just that a ; its not moving good. I need it to move good. I don't remember how.

Wellness?...

Wellness?... Is there such a thing when you are troweling through the black hole of madness in your mind?...When you feel like your left alone, because people don't know what to say to you anymore...  Yea that's me, Its OK... I calling it Changes, not Wellness...Because I believe I am Changing into a different person than what I was. As the Changes happen here at Home and in my therapy, and with my Dr. I do feel Different. Not so much better. Because all memories from the blackouts and the pain are there and will always. I just am learning better ways of dealing with them.  So no I wouldn't really call it Wellness....Yet. :/

Bubs neuro at Children's

Well Bubs appt. Went well, thank goodness! The Doctor was very nice, easy to talk with, and helped relaxed Bubs. :)  He wants him to try riboflavin and magnesium for a month or two. Also, He put Bub on a rescue med. A tripan form, to help too. I am really hoping all of this works...he miss quite a bit of school last year because of these migraines. He gets they as bad as mine. Mine are very intense!and last for days.

Existence...?!

Existence... It's really what We make it to be, I think so anyways...I mean think about it, your young, you go to school. Maybe you  become a doctor, or a lawyer, or a nurse, a therapist to help others. Some people write books. Some make things with their hands...very talented people. Not to say that any of the others mentioned were not just as talented as well. So Existence.....I was thinking of this the other day. I am a Mother of Five  beautiful children. That have grown into wonderful adults, with lives of their own, and responsibilities. To be totally honest there have been days in my past when I would not have believed I would have made it this far with my kids. We survived a different type of Existence before We met Mike. A cruel and scary and uncaring world. So When I say your Existence is in a way up to what you what it to be. Change it. It may take some time, But its worth doing if its going to make you happy and healthy for your Existence!

Change of things

I saw my Doc. and she made some changes to my meds. She put me on cymbalta and took me off effoxor. I'm also seeing a psych now. So we' all see how that goes...hopefully for the good.
Yesterday marked a time stamp for me... My youngest turned 16. It was excited and hard all at once...he is happy which great!  He spent the rest of his birthday with his friends having a huge party one of his friends was having for him it was very nice.  The Hubby and I are learning what it is like to be by our selves... Its very different. And the house seems very big. He even commented on that. Looks he is finally seeing it.

Life as we know it

So its been what...well over a couple of month's.  I have lived in truck, while my husband drove for two weeks, I have a better idea of he does on the job daily now...he is a truckdriver long haul. I watched one daughter move out. And cried silently because my "baker"middle girl is gone now...the one I constantly butted heads with too. The one gave me my precious granddaughter. I get to see her every other weekend. Thank God!  I know both my granddaughter and I would not stand for being apart again. We both hated it . I wish...I do wish I had the closeness back though I once had with her mom. I really miss that. We had our Christmas it was nice and quiet. The same with the coming of the New Year 2015. February brought my oldest son home with his partner we had wonderful visit with them. I miss them.  Then Apirl hit...something happened. I'm not sure what even as I type this out I can't think. My mind keeps stumbling over letters and words .thoughts of not want anymore pain or hurt keep going through my head. It worry's me. A lot. I have tried S before by pills but my husband stopped me. I really hope that when see my Doc next we can get my meds. fixed right.
My youngest daughter has also decided to try the move out thing... Which she did last week after Easter... Of course I'm a bawling sniffling mess! After she leaves. She comes home very few days for this a that...but I'm secretly hoping its because she wants to come home. My oldest daughter and I are very close. We are hoping to move down near her. Right now its just too far apart.  So this is my life as I know it I'm basically now living one day at time trying to get through that day. My depression is bad, its like it black fog that wants to eat my entire body... And I have to fight it daily to see any kind of light. Sometimes I just don't care. There are days I just don't. And Then there are days I do care. I care very much. And I fight. And it hurts. I really hate feeling this way.