Coming Changes, I welcome.

Well today marks a day for me that I did not think would come. I have come out of the "Broom Closet" (so they say,) I have told my family and friends that I am pagan and a practicing solitary wicca, who believes in a God and a Goddess. So far so good. Everyone has been very nice and supporting. I am hoping it stays this way. I want to be able to see my friends, at coffee night, go to festivals, make my crafts and sell them and my jewelry too. Under Rosemoons Haven. I miss that so much. Or even Rosemoons Creations still working on those....anyways it feels so good to finally be me.

Life

I would love to take a "step" out of my room, my safe zone, how pathetic is that?!  Anyways, I would love to take that "step" out. Of my safe zone and feel good. But I don't think it will ever happen. I have people constantly telling me what I'm doing wrong or here's what you should do... I fucking question myself so much. It makes my head hurt, I can't think, I want to think for myself. I really hate struggling back from where I have been. Just to want to go back there. Because I don't feel good enough.  Fighting my demons is hard enough...I really don't need  anything, or anyone else added to them. So HERES the deal. If I suddenly just move, get up, walk way, stop talking, whatever...The demons got to be to much, and I need to move away to somewhere quiet and alone, its best. Please understand. I have been doing this a long, long time. Its a fucking shitty life, but I would rather have patience family and friends in my life that understand and try to support me. Than some that don't.

On to a New Year, new possibilities.

We say goodbye to many close family and friends that have gone  much too soon. We will see them again to be sure. Now we look forward to the future and what it brings us, maybe a move, maybe a new job, a new start... Who knows?! We need to except change for what it is growth for us.

Loss and Life

Well sadness is once again moving into our lives. Emily our daughter has lost her baby. We were really hoping  little Matthew had a chance. But it was not to be. This Sunday we are having a service to remember him.

My life on others conditions...

So after being told to f%$#off! By a person I thought was a friend for a long time...turns out...I was of course Wrong! I got blocked from lives that I once was very close with...All because my conditions didn't fit the norm. Well with that being said. I'm not normal, I have severe manic depression, panic attacks, bipolar disorder. I can't just shut "it" off and act normal. Certain things in my live have changed because of my conditions. And unfortunately somethings or some adjustments had to be made. I can't stop them from happening no more than I could make people understand what is happening to me. I wasn't Doing anything on purpose, you can't get Depression on purpose.

Hopeless feeling

So I am really to get worried about Mike and I....feels like a rut again. Or worse :( which I hope not. He has this West Virginia run, he is just all to eager to do now. He is starting to leave earlier than he used to before. I really hope it isn't what I think it is. I know I should talk to him, that's what we agreed to, but it seems more and more I do that he gets mad about it....I don't know what to do. I'm very depressed. I have started cutting to take the pain way. I know it dangerous thing to do. Except I hear myself saying "do it", " just enough to see blood"....I hate feeling....I Hate have all of these emotions at once, some are so confusing, I can't sort through them. And other days everything makes perfect sense...I have decided not to cut anymore on my arm, its to hard to explain away... Cats etc.... I wish I could find a place where I could hide from everything.

Ambien and weirdness

Most people talk of cooking, or cleaning, or ( I hope not me ) drive while on Ambien. I have been suffering horrible nightmares of my past marriage which was to say the least scary, Last night while under ambien I began cutting myself on my arm, my Ex was trying to harm one of my kids and to make him stop I cut myself. The pain woke me up, I thankful had not cut deep enough for stitches. But it is STILL scary enough to me that don't want to be on something where I can't control my actions. I want to get better not get worse.! I miss my family,I miss my friends!