Wellness?...

Wellness?... Is there such a thing when you are troweling through the black hole of madness in your mind?...When you feel like your left alone, because people don't know what to say to you anymore...  Yea that's me, Its OK... I calling it Changes, not Wellness...Because I believe I am Changing into a different person than what I was. As the Changes happen here at Home and in my therapy, and with my Dr. I do feel Different. Not so much better. Because all memories from the blackouts and the pain are there and will always. I just am learning better ways of dealing with them.  So no I wouldn't really call it Wellness....Yet. :/

Bubs neuro at Children's

Well Bubs appt. Went well, thank goodness! The Doctor was very nice, easy to talk with, and helped relaxed Bubs. :)  He wants him to try riboflavin and magnesium for a month or two. Also, He put Bub on a rescue med. A tripan form, to help too. I am really hoping all of this works...he miss quite a bit of school last year because of these migraines. He gets they as bad as mine. Mine are very intense!and last for days.

Existence...?!

Existence... It's really what We make it to be, I think so anyways...I mean think about it, your young, you go to school. Maybe you  become a doctor, or a lawyer, or a nurse, a therapist to help others. Some people write books. Some make things with their hands...very talented people. Not to say that any of the others mentioned were not just as talented as well. So Existence.....I was thinking of this the other day. I am a Mother of Five  beautiful children. That have grown into wonderful adults, with lives of their own, and responsibilities. To be totally honest there have been days in my past when I would not have believed I would have made it this far with my kids. We survived a different type of Existence before We met Mike. A cruel and scary and uncaring world. So When I say your Existence is in a way up to what you what it to be. Change it. It may take some time, But its worth doing if its going to make you happy and healthy for your Existence!

Change of things

I saw my Doc. and she made some changes to my meds. She put me on cymbalta and took me off effoxor. I'm also seeing a psych now. So we' all see how that goes...hopefully for the good.
Yesterday marked a time stamp for me... My youngest turned 16. It was excited and hard all at once...he is happy which great!  He spent the rest of his birthday with his friends having a huge party one of his friends was having for him it was very nice.  The Hubby and I are learning what it is like to be by our selves... Its very different. And the house seems very big. He even commented on that. Looks he is finally seeing it.

Life as we know it

So its been what...well over a couple of month's.  I have lived in truck, while my husband drove for two weeks, I have a better idea of he does on the job daily now...he is a truckdriver long haul. I watched one daughter move out. And cried silently because my "baker"middle girl is gone now...the one I constantly butted heads with too. The one gave me my precious granddaughter. I get to see her every other weekend. Thank God!  I know both my granddaughter and I would not stand for being apart again. We both hated it . I wish...I do wish I had the closeness back though I once had with her mom. I really miss that. We had our Christmas it was nice and quiet. The same with the coming of the New Year 2015. February brought my oldest son home with his partner we had wonderful visit with them. I miss them.  Then Apirl hit...something happened. I'm not sure what even as I type this out I can't think. My mind keeps stumbling over letters and words .thoughts of not want anymore pain or hurt keep going through my head. It worry's me. A lot. I have tried S before by pills but my husband stopped me. I really hope that when see my Doc next we can get my meds. fixed right.
My youngest daughter has also decided to try the move out thing... Which she did last week after Easter... Of course I'm a bawling sniffling mess! After she leaves. She comes home very few days for this a that...but I'm secretly hoping its because she wants to come home. My oldest daughter and I are very close. We are hoping to move down near her. Right now its just too far apart.  So this is my life as I know it I'm basically now living one day at time trying to get through that day. My depression is bad, its like it black fog that wants to eat my entire body... And I have to fight it daily to see any kind of light. Sometimes I just don't care. There are days I just don't. And Then there are days I do care. I care very much. And I fight. And it hurts. I really hate feeling this way.

Shared Laughs...

Late evening post... the my tree lights flicker on and off, my thoughts wander to all of the many Christmas memories I have as child with my grandfather and my grandmother,the smells, the wonder,and the fun they would make for us all. I miss them so. I Vowed when had my Grandchildren  I would make each of them feel so very special in their own way. My little Aidan Loves to come to MeMaws or Grammaws house as often as he can and bake, garden, play go for walks, look for bugs and its the completely different with My Noel Belle when she gets to come, baking, swimming, barbies tea parties. I love the feeling if seeing the enjoy and love on their sweet little faces, Its so hard to say No to Them!! 

 Late Merry Christmas Everyone!

Well I almost Blew Christmas!!

Thanksgiving came and went. It was warm,wonderful,and a little bittersweet for me. It "pushed in my face" that my oldest son would not be with me anymore for Christmas`s with mom.Well so I kinda got "pissy" and didnt want to put up my Christmas anything!! NOTHING!!   I know,I know boohoo me...
I need to let my Son go and move on with his life. I AM so proud of him.He has becoming a writer. Met the sweetest guy, and they can finally have the life they have always wanted. Which`s its something I want for all of my children, is to find Happiness,and love that never stops. Thank-You to my Youngest son Robert for for help me find some of my Christmas I still miss and love my children very much and hope that all of my Children their and Families.My Family and My Friends have had a wonderful Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,